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With Mayo Clinic certified nurse-midwife Mary Murry, R.N., C.N.M.
Mixed feelings about pregnancy? You're not alone
I had a woman express some concern to me recently because she was not pleased about being pregnant. She and her husband wanted more children, just not right now.
They did not wish to terminate the pregnancy, but she was feeling guilty because there was no excitement or enthusiasm as there had been with the first pregnancy.
I have known many women who have shared similar feelings. I have had women who have gone through infertility treatments express mixed feelings when they found out they were really pregnant. It's almost like a feeling of, "Oh, what have I done now?"
If you are experiencing feelings of ambiguity about your pregnancy, you are not alone. An "oops'' pregnancy or unplanned pregnancy is not the same thing as an unwanted pregnancy. I can't begin to estimate the number of babies who were not planned for but are very much wanted and loved.
I would recommend first accepting the feelings. As we sometimes have to remind ourselves, feelings are feelings, they are not right or wrong, they just are. Try to determine if there are any specific things that are contributing to your feelings: finances, work, family life, the price of gasoline.
If you do have specific reasons why now is not a good time, see if there is anything you or others can do to improve the situation. Then remind yourself that you are not having the baby tomorrow. You have time to make some changes if you need to, as well as accept the pregnancy and find joy in it.
Face it, there are some things in life that aren't that great to start with (think of the first time you had sex or ate raw oysters or tried to roller skate) but with time, these experiences can be appreciated and joyful (not so much the raw oysters for me).
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I am a single mom of39 with a 17 year old and I'm pregnant. My feelings are mixed, i did not do the greatest job with my 17 yr old son who is barely getting thru highschool. I guess you could say I'm lost, part of me wants this baby and the other feels I can't give this child what he or she will need.I'm ebarassed since I am old enough to know what safe sex is about. i think my biggest worry is finances it's a struggle right now as well as I will probably be doing it alone again as this baby is with the same man as my son and he is not much on the daddy thing. Not sure what to do cry or jump for joy.
Hi, I only found out that I was pregnant when I was already 4 moths into pregnancy. I love my fiance to death and I could not imagine a better partner to share this experience with. Yet in the last few monts I found out he has a serious drug problem and I spend many a night alone at home, which scares me as I am two weeks away from my due date. Yet he is so excited about the baby I do not share his enthusiasm. I always thought those feelings will change with time but even now, as harsh as it sounds I am not ready for this. If it wasn't for the fact that I really love him and on top of that I have no where to go if I were to abandon him and the baby, I cannot see how I am going to cope once the baby is here. I wish every morning I wake up that all this was just a nightmare but it's not and I don't know how much longer I will be able to keep this facade of the happy pregnant mommy to be when inside I want to break down/
My husband and I just got married. I found out 2 wk ago that I am pregnant. We are excited and nervous at the same time. This is my first pregnancy and I just want to deliver a healthy baby. I have waited a very long time to be a mother and I can't believe they its finally going to happen. Children are a blessing.
Hi Kate, sounds like you and your new husband need to sit down for a good talk, then see a marriage counselor BEFORE things get complicated. This pregnancy is a shock for both of you and regardless of what action you take, you've got to be on the same page about your decisions. Please see a professional counselor to help the two of you decide on what path to follow, so that you both can hear the other's concerns and feel like your own are also being heard. Once you're taking positive action by dealing with this pregnancy issue head-on you will both have more peace of mind. God bless you Kate. : )
I am 36 and just married (6 weeks) and found our we got pregnant on our honeymoon. My husband is 45 and we had planned on not having children. I hope my feelings do change. It is not the childs fault so I am trying to take care of myself and do all the right things. We haven't even had a chance to enjoy our marriage. This weekend my husband went on a overnight hiking camping trip with all of our friends,which of course I could not go. He does not understand that because this child is in my body I can't do the things we use to and leaves my alone. I am feeling pretty low and abandoned. I hope that one day I find joy in this pregnancy.
I'm 30 and at that age where everybody around me is getting married and having babies. Although I have been in a relationship for two and a half years and love my partner to pieces, I have never felt the remotest desire to have children, ever. Perhaps my biological clock will kick in at any moment, but I can't make any promises, and sometimes feel like people think I'm weird or selfish for not wanting to have kids. I also suffer from depression, though, and reckon that I have a hard enough time taking care of myself, I cannot even begin to imagine being responsible for an infant. Do other women my age feel the same, or am I missing the point here?
Married for less than a year...my husband and I both were excited about the abstract idea of having children.....but we are still adjusting to marriage yet...fear about our being united enough and ready loom over my head and heart. I hate that I would be relieved by a miscarriage...I want to be happy...but I just can't yet. it's been 3 days since I've found out.....I hope that it is true that joy will come. I feel guilty for not wanting a baby.....and wonder if that will spill over and affect how I treat my baby when he/she comes. Fear of indifference or being an unloving mother grosses me out. I don't deserve a child. Please pray if you know Christ Jesus. He is my refuge, and my only hope to live and love as I ought.
thank you for your transparency ladies....
it is encouraging.
Hi - I am 33 years old and already have 3 kids - 11, 9, and 6. I just found out that I'm pregnant. It wasn't planned and I'm a wreck. Obviously, I never had any permanent form of birth control in case we ever wanted another baby, but now I wish I did. I'm sooo scared because so much time has gone by and I'm used to the dynamics of my family. I don't want to take anything away from the kids I already have. I worry about the economy and if we can raise 4 kids. I feel terrible for having these feelings and not having an ounce of excitement.
Well, I'm long past being pregnant and was reading this blog to help me in my new work as a medical assistant and aspiring nurse. Trust yourself, your baby and its dad to grow towards readiness over the pregnancy. I was near panic when I became pregnant almost immediately after being told that we shouldn't wait too long to begin trying as I was likely to have trouble in becoming pregnant. Well, the child I secretly wished I could abort (I felt so emotionally young and financially unready with no family to help!) is now our dear 19 year old. She slept in a dresser drawer beside us and we changed her on a towel on the floor in our studio apartment, where we lived on beans, rice and oatmeal. She's no worse for the wear. Start reading pregnancy books, baby care, and even parenting books as a hobby. Take great care of your self to give your baby its best chance. Try stopping a few moments each day to envision your peaceful and smiling infant growing healthfully - even talk to and softly rub your belly. You'll be surprised how your love will grow as your child does. You'll begin to find getting life ready for this is more possible than you first thought. Good luck and in love!
My husband brought up children the other night. He said we should think about me stopping the pill in October and let nature take its course. I am scared to death! I don't know what to do. I'm not even sure I want children. We talked about this before we got married and he he was fine with it then. Now he seems to have changed his mind. Any advice?
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