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Children and divorce: Helping kids cope with a breakup
Divorce is between adults — but the breakup of a marriage can have profound effects on children, too. Here's help presenting a united front to your child.
By Mayo Clinic staffDivorce is stressful for the entire family. Your child may feel as if his or her world has turned upside down. But there's good news. You can make your child's adjustment to the divorce much easier simply by choosing to interact responsibly with your spouse. Consider these practical tips for children and divorce.
How to break the news
It's best if you and your spouse can tell your child about the divorce together. Speak honestly and simply, and skip the ugly details. You might say, "Your mom (or dad) and I have been having trouble getting along, so we think it's best for us to live apart."
Make sure your child understands that divorce is only between adults. Remind your child — repeatedly if necessary — that he or she did nothing to cause the divorce and that both of you love your child as much as ever.
Expect a mix of reactions
Initially, your child may be most interested in concrete things. Where will I live? Do I need to change schools? Who will take me to swimming lessons? As you work out the terms of the divorce, try to maintain your child's routine as much as possible — or be quick to establish a new routine. Knowing what to expect will help your child feel more secure.
But soon, the reality of divorce will settle in. A younger child might respond to the stress by regressing to behavior he or she had previously outgrown, such as sucking on a pacifier or wetting the bed. A resurgence of separation anxiety may strike as well. Help your child put his or her feelings into words.
An older child might respond to the stress with a mix of emotions — anger, anxiety, grief or even relief. If your child's anger turns inward, he or she may become depressed or withdrawn. Anger can have the opposite effect, too, causing a child to act out or develop behavior issues. Encourage your child to share his or her feelings as openly as possible.
Keep your child out of the fight
How your child adapts to the divorce is largely dependent on how you and your spouse act, especially toward each other. To respect your child's relationship with the other parent, keep these general "don'ts" in mind:
- Don't speak badly about your spouse in front of your child.
- Don't make accusations against your spouse in front of your child.
- Don't force your child to choose sides.
- Don't use your child as a messenger or go-between.
- Don't argue or discuss child support issues in front of your child.
- Don't pump your child for information about the other parent.
- Don't use your child as a pawn to hurt the other parent.
(1 of 2)
- Children and divorce. American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy. http://www.aamft.org/families/consumer_updates/childrenanddivorce.asp. Accessed Feb. 17, 2009.
- Managing conflict during divorce. American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy. http://www.aamft.org/families/consumer_updates/managing%20conflict%20during%20divorce.asp. Accessed Feb. 17, 2009.
- Parenting corner Q&A: Divorce. American Academy of Pediatrics. http://www.aap.org/publiced/BR_Divorce.htm. Accessed Feb. 17, 2009.
- Children and divorce. American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry. http://www.aacap.org/cs/root/facts_for_families/children_and_divorce. Accessed Feb. 18, 2009.
- Desrochers JE. Divorce: A parents' guide for supporting children. National Association of School Psychologists. http://www.nasponline.org/resources/parenting/divorce_ho.aspx. Accessed Feb. 18, 2009.
- Cohen GJ. Helping children and families deal with divorce and separation. Pediatrics. 2002;110:1019.
- Roustit C, et al. Family breakup and adolescents' psychosocial maladjustment: Public health implications of family disruptions. Pediatrics. 2007;120:e984.
- Hoecker JL (expert opinion). Mayo Clinic, Rochester, Minn. March 4, 2009.
