End-of-life care (6)
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- Hospice care: An option when confronting terminal illness
- Terminal illness: Interacting with a terminally ill loved one
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- Grief: Coping with reminders after a loss
- Survivors of suicide: Healing after a loved one's suicide
- Infant death: Grief and the path to loving remembrance
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Survivors of suicide: Healing after a loved one's suicide
A loved one's suicide can be emotionally devastating. Reaching out to others or getting professional help may ease your pain, although it may never fully go away.
By Mayo Clinic staffThe death of a loved one is heart-wrenching and painful. But when the death is because of suicide, those left behind face even more difficult challenges in coping and healing.
Suicide can affect partners, children, parents, siblings, friends, colleagues and medical providers. As a survivor of suicide, overwhelming emotions can leave you reeling. It may seem like your support system has vanished. And you may be consumed by guilt, wondering if there's something you could have done to prevent your loved one's death.
Bereavement after a loved one has taken his or her own life is often more complicated, intense and prolonged than it is with a death from natural causes. Although as a survivor of suicide you may never fully recover and always feel a loss, you can learn how to cope better and eventually move forward in a way that's healthy.
Brace for powerful emotions after a suicide
It's common for a wave of powerful emotions to wash over you when you first learn of a loved one's death by suicide.
The immediate emotional response after a suicide often includes:
- Shock. Disbelief and emotional numbness may set in. It's hard to accept a sudden and traumatic death, even if it may have been preceded by suicidal behavior or talk. You may think that this couldn't have happened, that it's not real, or that it's only a nightmare and when you wake up, things will be OK.
- Confusion. You may not understand why your loved one died this way. Some people who take their own life don't offer any signs that they're considering suicide, so you may find it hard to reconcile the person you knew with the actions he or she took. You may repeatedly ask, "Why?"
- Anger. It's natural to feel anger about many different things after a suicide. People who were in contact with your loved one near the time of the suicide — doctors, police, emergency workers, therapists, friends or family — can become objects of your anger or rage. You may feel that they let your loved one down, missed clues about suicidal intentions, or could have prevented the death. You may direct your anger at yourself, too. And you may also become angry with your loved one, feeling cheated, abandoned or left with a legacy of suffering and inconsolable grief.
- Despair. Sadness, depression and a sense of defeat or hopelessness can grip you. You may even consider suicide yourself.
- Grief. Sorrow and anguish run deep as you mourn the loss of your loved one's life, and mourn for yourself, as well.
- Guilt. Survivors often initially think they could have done something to prevent a suicide. You may replay "what if" and "if only" scenarios in your mind, blaming yourself for your loved one's death. You may also feel guilty about your interactions with your loved one, regretting an angry phone call, long-ago childhood teasing or postponed get-togethers. You may also feel embarrassed and ashamed that a loved one has committed suicide.
Physical reactions after a suicide
Along with the intense emotions can come a variety of physical or behavioral reactions to news of a loved one's suicide. These perfectly normal reactions may include:
- Crying
- Screaming
- Angry outbursts
- Physical collapse
Emotions in the weeks after a suicide
You may continue to experience intense reactions in the weeks and months after a loved one's suicide. Sometimes these reactions may even resemble symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). These reactions may be especially intense if you witnessed the suicide or found your loved one. These reactions may include:
- Nightmares
- Flashbacks
- Social withdrawal
- Avoidance of people who remind you of your loved one
- Repeated visual images of your loved one
- Sleep problems
- Concentration difficulties
- Lack of motivation
- Loss of interest in daily activities or hobbies
- Family conflicts
- Denial of emotional pain
If you try to ignore your feelings, deny yourself the opportunity to mourn, or you don't find the support you want and need, your emotional wounds may not improve, and other problems related to grief and complicated grief can develop. Suicide survivors are at higher risk of depression and suicide, for instance. And families that don't find healthy ways to cope can be torn apart by unresolved issues, finger pointing or a breakdown in communication.
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